i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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