Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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