Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
