people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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