here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
