Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize