yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
