I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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