I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
