i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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