I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
