I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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