It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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