i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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