your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i drank out of a bidet.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
