I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Randomize
