if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
