You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
