Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
