How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
