singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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