go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
