I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
i think i just lost a toe
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
