i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
