Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize