Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I queefed so loud it echoed.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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