At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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