i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize