If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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