Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
