I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize