We're like a lot better than the average bears
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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