bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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