I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize