Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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