It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
