The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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