So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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