So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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