I just threw up on my dentist
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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