Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
We are all done wearing pants today
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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