I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
