sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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