The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
