i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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