i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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