Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
