Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
