Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
