remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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