My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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