the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
