Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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