We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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