we're chasing vodka with high fives
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
