A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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