woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
