If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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