He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
