I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
