Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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