Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
