This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
