I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
